


lavender and hollyhock

by oreranoneiro (jiyuunoriyuu)



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Hokuto cried 2/3 part of the fic, Hokuto cries a lot, M/M, Taiga is a saint, hints of mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24183373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiyuunoriyuu/pseuds/oreranoneiro
Summary: Sometime a goodbye is inevitable, and at that times no one is more heartbroken than the ones who say it.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	lavender and hollyhock

**Author's Note:**

> At first it was more or less a songfic to HOWL BE QUIET's Sanekazura, but suddenly this thing wrote itself.  
> I wanted to put a sanekazura reference in it but couldn't find a way to without hinting a reunion, so I put their birth flowers on the title instead.
> 
> [Here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-mWkb0qJchuVd3oJvlK7-5KQpNsJuqUV) the playlist I listen to while writing.

"Hey," Hokuto looked up from his backpack. Taiga is leaning on the kitchen's doorsill, holding Hokuto's Minnie Mouse mug. It's a pair to Taiga's own Mickey mug, which he broke a year ago. Hokuto has always been more careful about his stuff. "You won't bring this?"

"Nah, I will buy a new one later. You can throw that away. My bag's too full anyway."

"Hmm, so you don't have enough space for this?" 

"I do!" Hokuto saved his favorite DVD from Taiga, making the other man laugh at his haste. It's his favorite, a limited edition DVD, and there's no way Hokuto gonna let anyone throw his collection away.

"Come on, you've packed everything, right? It's almost midnight, let's sleep," Taiga tugged on Hokuto's shirt, not letting go until the younger boys followed him. "What time is your train?"

"8 A.M.," said Hokuto as he turned off the light before joining Taiga on the bed. Their fingers found each other in the dark, and their body naturally came closer under the blanket. "I need to buy some things for the apartment first."

"You have help?" 

"Shin will meet me there." Hokuto shut his eyes, quietly enjoying the heat of Taiga's body by his side. Taiga kissed his forehead, and they stayed there for a while, just listening to the sound of each other's breath.

"If you're in trouble, contact Juri or Kochi." Hokuto breaks the silence, his hands playing with the hem of Taiga's shirt. He doesn't have enough strength to look at the older man's eyes, but there are a lot of things he has to say. "If you have to eat take outs, go for the healthy ones. Don't start binge-eating tomatoes again."

"I will. Don't worry, I'm not a baby," answered Taiga as he messes Hokuto's hair, his other hand pulling the younger closer.

"How can I not worry, last time I left for 3 days you just ate cup ramen and tomato..." Hokuto snuggles closer, burying his face on Taiga's neck. The smell of strawberry and Taiga's expensive shampoo hit him, and Hokuto knows already that he will miss it. "It's not just 3 days. You can't live like that anymore..."

"I will manage. Juri won't leave me alone anyway. You too, take care of yourself? Find another Jesse, find a friend. Don't lock yourself inside on your days off."

"Jesse is special, I won't find another him over there. Remember when he accidentally freed the hedgehog he brought for Kochi's birthday present?" It made Taiga laugh a bit, recalling one of the best memories in his life. He remembers Hokuto laughing hard by his side back then, always close, always coming back to him.

"Hey, I never told you how did I fell in love, did I?" Taiga starts again after a few minutes, hand never stops stroking Hokuto's hair. From the sound of the younger's breath, he knows Hokuto hasn't fallen asleep. "I can't believe we dated for, what? 4 years? And I haven't told you that story.

"We shared a class in first year, remember? I sit behind you all semester. I remember you sulked alone for weeks, until we got our first group assignment and Jesse picked you up. You went from the emo, sulking boy who rejected anyone into a soft, adorable puppy who followed Jesse around. And how could I not fall, after seeing that beautiful character development?"

"You liar," Hokuto hit his shoulder softly, hints of laugh lacing his words. "All this time you let me believe I'm the one who falls first! I tried so hard to get your attention!"

"So I should just admit being your stalker since day 1? No way. Also you were so cute, I had a lot of fun watching you run around trying to woe me." Taiga chuckled, remembering the awkward and confused Hokuto doing his best to talk to Taiga. Hokuto has never been smooth, but he makes it up with romantic gestures and small surprises.

Taiga remembers all the laughs, the closeness that never faded since the day Hokuto confessed. Hokuto's shy gaze that still appears sometimes even after years of living together. The soft smile Hokuto has when cooking, the playful banter when they went shopping together. Hokuto dressed him up because apparently, he's too pretty for oversized shirts. Hokuto singing along to his guitar, Hokuto curling up on the bean bag by the window reading books, Hokuto scolding him for not doing the laundry. Hokuto, Hokuto, Hokuto.

All the moments with Hokuto are memories Taiga will cherish forever.

In the few minutes Taiga lost in his thoughts, Hokuto started crying. So Taiga pulls Hokuto impossibly closer, and if Hokuto's grip on his back hurts a bit, he won't say anything.

"Promise me you will find someone new. Promise me to fall for someone better than me, someone who will stay in love with you after years passed. Promise me to fall for someone who will keep making you laugh," said Hokuto through his sobs. He had enough of pretending that everything's alright, that they will wake up tomorrow and nothing's gonna change.

Because nothing is fine and tomorrow they will be alone.

"Only if you promise me the same," Taiga is not crying, and Hokuto doesn't know how to feel about that. Kyomoto Taiga is the toughest man he ever met. And now when he's crying in Taiga's embrace, he's both so proud and sad about Taiga's strength. "Don't lock yourself again, Hokku. Find someone who will treasure you."

Hokuto tries to answer it, he really did. But all that came up to his mind is Taiga's kindness. How the older is so patient with him, never leaving him even when Hokuto was so broken and cruel. Taiga always pulls him closer when Hokuto is too hurt to admit needing him. He never needed to say anything for Taiga to understand. Taiga stays by his side through the lows of his life, never showing a sign that he got tired of Hokuto's mess. The way Taiga held him for the countless times he cried to sleep, just like right now.

When Taiga loves he gives all his heart, and where else will Hokuto find someone who cherishes him so wholeheartedly?

"Don't ask for the impossible. After this, it will be hard to fall in love again." His words sound so wrong in his own ears. He wants to stop acting like he got hurt by this relationship, as if Taiga caused a trauma on him. It's a cruelty that Taiga doesn't deserve.

Hokuto knows this is the last chance to get the older to hate him. So Taiga would move on, forget him and stop wishing Hokuto would change his mind. No one, no one should make Taiga go through the hardships Hokuto put him into again. Taiga deserves anything and everything he wants.

Kyomoto Taiga deserves the world and beyond, even if Matsumura Hokuto isn't in said world.

"Don't say that. You will meet new people, give them a chance. You gave me one too before, why can't you do it again?" There's only gentleness in Taiga's voice, soft and kind no matter what Hokuto does. Taiga always understands him, always sees through the thorn and barbs. Taiga is the only person who always thinks the best of Hokuto.

As always, Taiga sees through the act Hokuto put up, because he knows Hokuto just like the back of his own hand.

"Don't go," Taiga mumbled into Hokuto's hair, not brave enough to speak loudly yet too stubborn to let go. He knows it's too late, but maybe, just maybe, Hokuto would listen this time. "We can fix this. Don't give up on us."

"Taiga, we talked about this," Hokuto sounds just as desperate, and Taiga feels the grip on his shirt tightened a bit more. "It's not broken, there's nothing to be fixed."

And he can't say no to that, because that's the truth.

They're too much in love, it hurts. They give and demand too much from each other, but at some point the parallel line they're walking on starts splitting and now the paths are heading to different directions. Taiga never had something like this, never loved so much it became a pain instead, getting so much but also letting go of too much.

Because that's how it is between them. They love each other just as much as day one, but hurt each other even more. It was all unintentional, but in the end the why doesn't matter. Hokuto thinks Taiga deserves better. Taiga thinks he's not enough for Hokuto, who is way too amazing for someone like him.

Matsumura Hokuto is his lover for 4 years, and even though he wishes for more, he knows anything too much is not a good thing.

"It's my turn to tell a story, isn't it?" Taiga hummed in response, and if it's anyone else Hokuto would think the other isn't listening. But it's Taiga. Taiga always listens to Hokuto, no matter how unimportant his rambling is. "I don't know when did I fell, or what was the cue. But weeks after we go out, I know it's you. I look at you and understand that you're the person God told me to find.

"It has always been you and will always be you. What the fuck did you do, Kyomoto? How did you make me feel like this, like there's no one I could love more than you? Like no one would let me love them as you do? And where will I go now that I don't have you any more? You know all my ups and downs, all my gains and losses, I don't even know what's left that I can tell you. I don't have anything you don't know, Taiga. All I know is if I have another chance in this life, or any other life where I have to lose you in the end, I will still choose you all over again.

"Because loving you worth all the heartbreaks I have to go through."

Between his sobs and ragged breath, Hokuto realized that he now sits on top of Taiga, the older boy watching him with sad eyes and a bitter smile. He can't stop himself from kissing that lips, all soft and gentle and demanding nothing. Taiga's trembling hand caressed his face, wiping the tears that were raining down. It's a kiss that shows honesty. A kiss that promised tomorrow, even though only heartbreak will come tomorrow.

Minutes later Hokuto has Taiga snuggling close, the touch of his soft snore whispers on Hokuto's neck. He was supposed to leave without making a fuss. He shouldn't have told Taiga everything, not about how much he loved him nor how he will do everything for Taiga.

Because they don't have everything.

Hokuto found the way he wants to walk on. Taiga finally listens to his heart and starts doing what he loves, and they can stop pretending that having each other is enough to compensate for losing all the dreams and ambitions. They both know it's not. And love is supposed to be something beautiful anyway.

Love is not this pain that suffocates both of them, leaving them battered and breathless no matter what they do. They can't have each other without hurting, even though there's nothing they want more than this life together. So Hokuto cries alone, because Taiga is strong. Taiga is strong enough for both of them.

But tomorrow, there's no 'us' against 'them' anymore.

"I love you," He whispers to the void of their room. What Taiga doesn't hear won't hurt him even further.

  
  
  
  
  


"Call me when you got there."

"I will." They both know he won't. This is their goodbye, and anything beyond this is pouring salt upon a gaping wound.

Taiga leans on the doorsill as Hokuto walks out of the apartment, dragging his feet like a kid who's reluctant to leave for school. So Taiga pulls him into a hug, one last hug that they will remember forever.

"I wish you happiness," Taiga whispered as Hokuto's hold on him tightened. The hug lasts a second, but the message they exchange contains years of memories. They're letting go of all the mischievous laughs, of all the whispered promises and the unsaid vows. "Bye."

And as Hokuto walks away, he finally starts believing that both of them will be okay.


End file.
